So we're having a baby! The words still feel surreal and the reality of it takes time to set in (maybe that's why pregnancy is 9 months... but you guys, 9 months is seriously a long time). Most of the time I am too anxious to wait. I have never been so baby hungry and I already imagine our baby in my arms. And other times, small short moments, I am overwhelmed with doubt. Do I really know how to care for a baby?! So many "what ifs" and thoughts of fear that I did not expect when sitting on the cusp of motherhood. 

 Through pregnancy I expected support and sympathy from Devan, because he is just that kind of person. However, I did not expect his overt acts of selflessness and service-- willing to get me anything and do anything to make me feel better. When he rubs my back at 4am because I'm frustrated with insomnia and I can tell he is barely awake, but awake still rubbing my back to help me go back to sleep. Devan is my antidote for the fear of becoming a parent. When I feel that overwhelming sense of responsibility I quickly remember Devan and how capable he is of being the best partner a person could dream up to raise a child with. He is sensible and researched, yet warm and loving. If I can follow his lead on things I don't know, I think this kid could end up just fine.

I always knew I wanted to start a family. I grew up knowing it'd eventually come, but I am starting to realize that I never fantasized about being a mother. I have spent the last 6 years working full time while finishing school and falling in love. Most of my "know how" and "being Kira" is actually quite selfish. Don't get me wrong, we have prayed for this moment to come! However, I legitimately feel like I don't have the maternal knack and instincts that might make up a mom who can manage a household. I'm messy (ask my friends, roommates, and Devan), I'm lazy (ask my Netflix account), and have no interest in the kitchen (ask everyone). I don't say these things to bring myself down, I am healthily aware that these are not my strengths and this self-awareness has gotten me by. If I know anything about being a new mother, I know every little weakness I have before will only be magnified when I have a baby. I'm tired now? You don't know exhaustion yet. Your room is messy now. Hahaha good luck cleaning that with a newborn. You have no dinner ideas lately? wow...

I guess what I am saying is motherhood will put a big fat magnifying glass over the things I have been complacent about thus far. I can only hope that me being aware of this will somewhat help  in making whatever small effort I can in the future.


I recently shared these fears with a friend and she told me, "that's what motherhood is for everyone, a magnifying glass on your weaknesses." I appreciated that perspective because I've always believed being a mother will make me a better person than any other responsibility.

One thing I know for sure, this kid will be loved a million times over. Grandparents so good, they should all really be raising this child. Aunts and Uncles on top of Aunts and Uncles who are each fun and unique in their own way. When I realize how lucky this baby is, I realize how lucky I already am.

Our baby boy is already everything. (besides how can you not love that thumb sucking little cutie!)